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Cooking

Today I cooked.

It stared with yearning for distraction
A process that would hold together
As the tv told one more story
Of an unlikely romance and happily ever after…
I chopped,
Trying not to ask:
How long the ‘ever after’ lasted…

I cooked,
So I wouldn’t think
Getting involved in flour turning into dough
With some water and help from my bare hands

I cooked,
Not knowing how
Not wondering if I could.
Memory and the internet pitched in
And a meal came together…

I cooked so I could forget
Turns out,
It was,
A meal to remember

28: Gratitude

I have been 28 for about a week. Not much feels different but the last few days have taught me a lot. As I sit in quiet contemplation, just before I turn the router off and hit the sack (yes, it’s early, I am old and have an early day tomorrow), I feel the urge to dash this post off.

May I confess that this is the third post I am attempting today? The first two felt too personal to put out there and this treads the line closely too. I guess, at 28, I have finally learnt to filter. To not say a few things, no matter how tempting it is. Someone in class said Indian aesthetics is as much about the unseen as it is about the seen. I think we can apply that to what we must say and what we ought to bite back. But there is one thing we must say, out loud, and as often as we can: thank you!

We need to understand that we are indispensable, but only to ourselves. Everyone: parents, family, friends, lovers, spouses all lead their own lives anyway. Sure, we contribute and make life together but let us remember that their existence is independent of our presence. As I say this, I feel only gratitude for the love and care we receive from family, friends and strangers.

I am so grateful for the nourishment I receive from my parents. They made me from scratch, gave me wings to fly, shaped my sensibility, moral skeleton yet never imposed their own thoughts on me. They give me space to breathe and grow, frequently at the cost of personal comfort. In them, I find myself.

For friends and family, who stand with me, making space in their homes and lives, so much of life is comprehensible only because you help me see sense, laugh and cry with me. Your wisdom, patience, generosity and most importantly, love makes my life so brilliant. You give me strength.

And lastly, to the considerate guy next to me on the bus, who took another seat so my bags and I could sit comfortably, thank you.

Breakdown

The last few days were the best and the worst of my life.

From happy family occasions, seeing some of the most beautiful places on the planet and knocking items off my bucket list to loss of many things I cherished, life has been a roller coaster, that is leaving me dizzy.

This morning, however was the last straw, when my laptop, my friend and companion of many years, decided that enough is enough and gave up on life. I tried first aid and will attempt another resuscitation this evening. But hope is bleak and it looks like goodbyes are in order.

I broke a tooth (it’s fixed now, thank you), my camera and phone are depressed and on the verge of a breakdown. My plans for the next six years have also crashed. As I try to cope with these issues and stay happy, someone turned the lights out.

After A Trip

There is adrenalin pumping through my veins when I travel that vanishes when I get home. The fatigue of the last few days unleashes itself. Bags unpacked, camera cleared, souvenirs and shopping kept separately. The travelogue will be told several times over and I’ll relive my trip. 

But for now, I feel lost. Time, space, weather, all different… As I said to a friend, i’m reeling: under the impact of all that I’ve seen and experienced… I knocked a few items off my bucket list, this trip. I did many things for the first time. I had the time of my life. 

Solo

Days flew and I’ve hit a writing roadblock. Each day has been interesting, worth writing about- I met old friends, famous filmmakers, fought, made up, took a tough exam, watched films, taught and attended class. Next week promises to be epic, I’m traveling, alone for a few days, then joining cousins and nieces for a quick holiday.

As I pack my bags, talk to my mom and friends, do some research and plan the trip, I have the butterflies.  

I’ve not had a solo trip in a long time. Haven’t been abroad alone, for several years now. I’m super excited to go to these places, I’ve dreamed of them for so long and now, in just a couple of days, I’ll be there, in flesh. Walking the street, taking pictures, making memories for a lifetime. 

Of Talking Too Much

I have so many things to tell you but I can’t or won’t. Today, as I sit alone, struggling with Farsi, I wonder if I need to say anything at all? I admire people who hold their cards close to their chest- those who don’t talk about ‘plans’ but tell you when things are concrete. Those that don’t speculate, not out loud at least. It’s a skill I’ve never picked up. 

I talk, often, too much. 

Chaos.

An overflowing calendar, a packed day. An ever-increasing pile of books to read. Where is time flying? Why am I constantly out of breath? There was once a method to this madness, now all I see is chaos. Shows open and close, events happen. Sometimes I make it, frequently I don’t.

I spend have my life on the train (or waiting for it) but living far away isn’t an excuse. An hour to travel, two to recuperate. What happens after…? There must be changes made and a dose of discipline. Wake up early, get off the internet. Exercise.

All round me are people who do it all, perhaps not with the ease they display. Maybe they struggle too. What’s your secret to a productive life?

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